Permission Granted
by boschette
Summary: Pacey's thoughts from the episode "True Love." (One-shot)


**A/N: Song lyrics are from "If God Made You" by Five for Fighting. Dialogue borrowed from transcript of "True Love," Episode #323 of Dawson's Creek. I own neither. Thanks for reading, and please let me know what you think! **

_Hey Kid ... Your time has come to change  
Though I need you more than I've needed anyone in any way tonight  
Hey Kid ... I know it won't be long  
The Captain's to see you back where we belong... _

No one can fault me for giving up without a fight. I fought until nothing remained of a childhood friendship but anger, and until all that stood between the three of us was her decision—the only one that ever mattered anyway. You see, he and I could have battled to the death over her, and in the end, she still would have had the power to flatten either one of us with just a word. She knew that, and hated it. She wanted someone to make her choice for her. And for whatever reason, maybe simply that she was still young enough—or smart enough—to be terrified of the unknown, she'd elected him to do that for her.

I don't spare a glance as I walk past the wall where my plea towers bigger than life. I know well enough what it says. I know well enough what her response was. And was she here? Had she done the one thing that would have smoothed out all this confusion and made me the happiest man in the world? I guess if she had, I wouldn't be hightailing it out of this smothering town for a summer that I hope like hell will erase her from my mind, if not my heart.

_Hey Kid...Do wishes count at all  
Can you give me a sign...give me anything I won't tell a soul you told  
Hey Kid...Will you hold me when I sleep  
Will you find me when the tide decides that I got to leave... _

I could hate Dawson now, if I hadn't grown up loving him like a brother. As it stands, I pity him. It's weird, I know, and I'm not really sure what that says about me. He's got this stranglehold on the woman of both of our dreams, he managed to destroy something that had the power to move heaven and earth in the split second before it was snatched away from us, and I feel sorry for the guy. Don't get me wrong, there's plenty of anger, too, which balances out the pity. He can convince himself that he's won her back, that he's in some holier-than-thou position to grant her forgiveness (forgiveness, for God's sake!) and possibly even do this so skillfully that she'll end up feeling grateful to him for his mercy. Yeah, that makes me angry. That makes me sick. That makes me want to hurt him the way he's hurting us.

I'd given her one last chance, catching her arm right outside the Leerys' back porch. Her sad eyes met mine and there was a surge of that power we'd almost had within our grasp, and I think we might have had a shot at fixing it in that moment. But then Dawson had appeared and stood between us as he was always between us, forming the third point of our doomed little triangle. And Joey looked away from me, and the link was broken, and I knew with a dull certainty that she was going to make the wrong choice. It was that trapped look in her eyes—it was the look of a helpless animal of prey that knows it's been cornered by the predator. I can honestly say in that moment I was closer to hating Dawson than I ever have been before. For putting that look in her eyes.

I keep imagining the picture we must have made, the three of us standing together in the Leerys' backyard, a three-headed knot of pain and resentment and confusion and—damn me for being gullible—hope, in the midst of the happy post-wedding chaos that was a backdrop to our drama. It would have been an interesting scene, to an outsider. To me, it was just hell.

_Something inside me is breaking  
Something inside says there's somewhere better than this..._

Ask me to stay. I had willed her to do it, and she had given in to Dawson's emotional blackmail instead. I should sail away from here and lose myself in three months of freedom. Somehow, though, I doubt that's an option. Somehow, I think that every time I lie down to sleep under the stars you can see so well on the open water, I'll see her face.

No more stalling. I've given her enough time, I've given her every chance in the world to return my love and do something with that power we can't deny when we're together. It's time to go. I survey my boat and am proud of her, of the sweat and effort I put into restoring her. True Love helped me let go of Andie, and now she would help me do the same with Joey.

And suddenly there she is, running toward the dock with her dark hair flying behind her, and my heart freezes up in my chest for a moment. It takes a huge effort, but I turn away and busy myself with last-minute preparations. She's got to do this on her own. If she's coming to me, if she's made that choice, it has to be her show and hers alone. I realize that my hands are sweating and my stomach is a tight knot. I hear her footsteps now, pounding down the wooden dock. She's calling my name frantically as she runs. It's the most beautiful sound I've ever heard.

"You want something, Jo?" I ask casually. God, it's hard to sound casual.

"I want to talk to you," she says.

"No, No. A bit late for this, now. I'm leaving. You can't stop me. Don't even try."

"No, that's not why I'm here."

My heart does another flip. "So why are you here? You want to say good-bye again? Maybe you want to rub it in a little bit, huh?"

She takes a deep breath and everything spills out in a rush of words that change my life. "Look, I don't want to stop you, Pacey. And I don't want to stop Dawson, and I don't want to be stopped, not by either of you, not by anyone. See, I mean, that's what this whole year has been about. We've been trying to stop each other from moving on and from growing up ... but not you. You're different. And you've challenged me every step of the way, and you've been there every step of the way."

My throat is closing up. She's rambling. She sounds nervous. She looks so damn beautiful. And she's smiling. The fear that was written all over her face just a little while ago is gone without a trace. I take a breath. "Jo, departure time is in T-minus 30 seconds so if there's a point, I suggest you get to it."

"I think I'm in love with you."

I pause, my back to her and my heart in my throat. I am having trouble keeping my cool. Finally I manage actual words in a tone that is somehow neutral. "You think, or you know?"

"I know," she says, and hurries on. "I've known it since the moment you kissed me and maybe even before that, and scary as it is, I don't want to deny it anymore, Pacey. I don't want to run from it and I don't want to let it run from me."

"So, what are we gonna do here, Jo?"

"I wanna come with you."

"What? Are you crazy?" I ask. It takes everything I have not to reach for her, pull her onto the boat with me, and kiss her until we're both breathless and dizzy.

"I wanna stop standing still. I wanna move forward. I wanna come with you." She's glowing.

"What about Bessie and the B&B? They need you."

"Not as much as I need you, Pacey." She moves to step aboard, and I give her a look, still repressing the smile that threatens to break out on my face.

"Uh-uh-uh..."

She smiles up at me and holds out her hand. "Permission to come aboard?"

"Permission granted." I take her in my arms at last, and Dawson is not between us. It's just her and me and the open water. I close my eyes and savor her taste, her feel, her scent. We are leaving together. I think we both feel the power as it envelops us again, this time with no shadows of shame weighing it down. I hold her tightly, as if she might slip away like a fantasy if I let go. We're setting off.

"You can swim, can't you?"

"Of course. I'm just kind of worried about the next change of clothes."

"That's nothing to worry about. We're going to hit the next port in a few of days."

"A few days?"

"Yeah, or a few days after that. Who really cares?"

_Sunset sailing on April skies  
Bloodshot fire clouds in her eyes  
I can't say what I might believe  
But if God made you he's in love with me. _


End file.
